Rappers Who Will Never Make It, Based On Their Names Alone.

Now granted, some of these rappers actually have skills, but in today’s turbulent music market, rappers have to think about their brand image. Which means once you come out (i.e. have an MP3 streaming on the Interwebs), your name has to be marketable enough to cozy up the biggest sneaker companies, soft drink brands, tampon distributors, weapons manufacturers and car companies. Would you buy soda from a guy whose name was lifted from a donut shop found in strip malls?

No, of course you wouldn’t.

Based on solely on their emcee monikers alone, the following rappers will never make it in the music game.

SkyZoo

SkyZoo – Perhaps the most arbitrarily named rapper of the new school and due entirely to his moniker, SkyZoo will never get his own “signature” anything. As in:

Nike Air Max 90 SkyZoo? Nope.

Diet Pepsi Limited Editon SkyZoo collector’s can? No sir.

Debut album that will return rap music to its former glory when beats, rhymes and life mattered more than beef, bitches, and bling? Not if your name is a mash-up of the Earth’s ceiling and the place animals are corralled.

1/2 of the Knux

Krispy Kream – This guy is one half of The Knux, a group from New Orleans who now live in LA and have an album coming out on 10/28. In any event, if you’re going to take your name from a place where they sell fried pastries, you may as well go for number one – Dunkin’ Donuts. Kind of like how Marshall Mathers is Eminem, and not Smarties. Obviously this kid needs to put his endorsement thinking cap on.

Probably the next guy to run Def Jam.

Asher Roth – No, wait, this guy’s going to win. The T.I.’s have already sent out the memo that he gets a pass, which explains the blog/rapper love that he gets. Plus his name is Asher Roth. If he doesn’t make it in the rap game, he probably has an uncle that can give him a job running a record label.

Sonic > Mario

Charles Hamilton – This guy should probably take a Saturday and work on getting himself an actual moniker. Sure, Kanye West and Talib Kweli can get away with using their government ID, but some dude who would be confused for being Anthony Hamilton’s cousin doesn’t have the same luxury.

Unless of course "Gunz" really is his last name...

Corey Gunz – Corey Gunz’s dad is Peter Gunz, who you may remember had a hit song with Lord Tariq (or was that Al Tariq?) about driving uptown. Spelling “S” with a “Z” went out of fashion around the same time Dunks became popular again and Boot Camp Clik stopped being relevant. Plus the whole father/son rap legacy thing doesn’t work unless you’re Lil’ Wayne and Baby.

Christmas caroling will never be the same.

Silent Knight – Clever play on words, but he still he named himself after a Christmas Carol. The only way this works is if he forms a group with some other religious themed rappers and they call it “We Three Kings of the Orient.”