Rapping It Up for 2009

All that money, and can't afford a guitar pick

In the Dec/Jan issue of GIANT (cop that), Rashaun Hall explored some of things that he wanted to see less of in hip-hop for 2009. Inspired by his list, I decided to compile my own, which effectively lists nine things that hip-hop - specifically rappers-  can drop when clock hits midnight on the 31st of  December.

1. Rock Star Posers

A guitar is an instrument. Not a photo prop (The Knux), a compliment to your outfit (Lil Wayne) or a fashion accessory to match your Bapesta wallet chain (Pharrell). If you’re going to run around with one, at least take the time to learn how to play it somewhat effectively.

2. Stop Fronting

2008 was great for hip-hop simply because rappers got their chains pulled.

In some cases, literally.

But in cased you missed it on the countless magazines, blogs and general opinion, here it is a again: No one believes that you flooded Miami with boatloads of cocaine while you weren’t were a C.O., you don’t have a G5 private jet, and regardless of what your handlers/label told you, you’re not the best rapper.

As a once glorious emcee said, “you need more people.”

3. Experimenting

When artists experiment in music, the results can actually be amazing, often leading to new sounds, textures and even blurring genres. In rap, not so much. Try sitting through Common’s clusterfuck of a club album Universal Mind Control if you don’t believe me.

4. Stop Comparing Yourself to OutKast

Seriously, stop.

5. Corporate Rap

You know what I look for in every rap album? Emcees rhyming out their marketing plans and their residual earnings. Since the suits at the labels came up with that plan to begin with, not only is your point moot, but it also goes back to point number two on this post - you’re fronting.

6. Crossing Over

Even the dudes in Linkin Park are confused.

There’s often talk of this mythical place where there exists the ever elusive “Crossover Market.” Some call it the Midwest. This is the consumer base that may be into one genre of music, but will listen to something else if it appeals to their sensibilities. Like a hardcore rap fanatic who has one Coldplay album.

It’s kind of like how the Jay-Z/Linkin Park record worked because it was a genuine experimentation in music where as the Busta Rhymes/Linkin Park song didn’t because it was clearly a gimmick.

Good music is good music the same way bad music is bad music.

It’s all about the subjectivity, baby.

7. Politics as Unusual

The election is over and Obama is in office. I would ask that you try not to say anything completely retarded for the next four years to smudge his efforts and success, but Jim Jones managed to accomplish that by failing before Obama was even sworn in.

Good job Jim.

If it wasn’t for corny white guys with a misguided sense of irony in hip-hop, you wouldn’t be the relative success that you are.

8. Threatening to Retire

You mean to tell me that if I was marginally good at stringing together words and having my friends produce my beats I could retire before the ripe old age of 30 like Lupe Fiasco?

I knew I chose the wrong career path.

Matter of fact, go ahead and retire Lupe. I doubt anyone will care that you’re no longer around rap about Battle Toads and limited edition Nikes. Plus, you’ll be best remembered for your Fiascogate incident anyway.

9. Stop dressing like you’re from the 80s

When you were born in the 90s.

Stylistic inferences are one thing, but when everyday is Halloween and you’re constantly at the dilemma of whether or not your Reeboks are “authentic” enough to match the Members Only jacket you overpaid for on eBay, you’ve got serious issues.